[Image: Me, on day 1 of this journey.  Taking a few moments to write down a plan.]

This is a post I’ve been putting off for awhile.  However, many things in my life keep pointing me back here and challenging me to write these words down publicly.  So here we go:

I am not going back.

I think it’s time that I share a little more of my story.  Partly because I think this might be helpful for someone else considering a big change and partly because I need to write this down in order to be authentic.

A year and a half ago, I was a video game producer.  It was a really fun, amazing job, but my heart was calling me to do something else.  Some people were a little shocked that I would leave a good job given the current economy.  I understand where they are coming from.  After all, I’m a planner and a saver.   I want to do the responsible thing.  I did not want to leave my job without somewhere else to go.

However, sometimes the plane door opens before we’re ready, and it’s time to jump.  Being a video game producer did not give me enough free time to pursue these other passions on the side.  The alternative (me, staying) was not healthy.  I look back at photos of me at that time, and I can see the stress.  I did not know how to do my job without it eating me alive.   To be honest with you, I cried a lot.  I really needed to try to learn balance again, and to spend time listening to that little inner voice, the one that says, this is what you’re supposed to do.

So even though I wanted to have everything all figured out before I started this journey, I had to start walking.  I had jumped from the plane and would need to build my parachute on the way down, like we sometimes do.   Geez, that’s hard.

[Image: Me, 2008.  Looking a little worse for wear.]

For years, I had daydreamed about designing.  I wanted to design fabrics, sewing patterns, housewares.  I had enough project ideas to fill books.  However, I’m not going to lie.  Waking up one day and saying “I’m going to be a designer now” has not been easy.  I am still working on my artwork, creating new designs, and trying to repackage them in a way that is beautiful and useful.   Meanwhile, I am building up a portfolio of projects and work that I hope to have published.  And I am spending time here at everkelly with you.

It is a difficult balance, and I constantly feel that I should be doing something faster, better, different.  I have received a lot of encouragement, but I get plenty of No’s and Not Quite There Yets too.  Sometimes, I feel woefully unprepared to have taken this jump.  However, every day, I am learning again what it means to be persistent, how to grow from feedback, and above all – that if I want to be successful, I have to do the work.

BUT.

There is a sneaky little voice in my head that whispers, “you could always go back.”  This is the same voice that drops things in conversations like “well, I’m giving this a try” or “we’ll see how it goes.”   It’s a voice that hides behind vagueness, that doesn’t want to be pinned down or committed to anything in case it doesn’t work out.

Lately, I’ve been running across a lot of advice reminding me that I have to let go of the old in order to fully embrace the new.  This message keeps popping up in books, in church, in conversations with people.  It is the analogy of the trapeze artist.  To make the jump to the next rung, you must let go of the first.  Otherwise, you end up stuck somewhere in the middle, slowly losing momentum and never quite making it anywhere.

I have been guilty of carrying around a back up plan with me.  It is the pinky finger that I have glued to the last rung.  Holding onto that little piece of security has also been holding me back: I have been giving myself an out. When you spend vast amounts of time alone as an artist, having an out is a dangerous thing.  It causes me to play it safe, to be timid in putting myself out there, to not take setbacks too seriously.

[Image: Some very rough early work.  I've learned a lot since then!]

So I am cutting the lines.  It’s time.   This is something I know, but have been afraid to write down:

I am committed to designing fabrics, to creating new products, to writing.   I am not a video game producer anymore. (I’ll tell you: that last sentence is the toughest.   I have no idea why I feel like every potential employer in the world is tuned in and writing this one down.  But let’s be honest, they’re not.)

Ok, that part was for me.  I am kicking off a new chapter now.  It’s the same story I’ve been writing, but this time I’m putting it down in permanent ink.

This next part is for you – just in case.  Is there something you’ve wanted deeply, in your heart of hearts?  A change.  Maybe you’ve even started taking those first steps to get there.  Maybe you’re half way up the hill by now.   Are you still holding onto something that you need to give up?

“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked.  “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” – Trina Paulus

Thanks for being a part of this journey with me.

Your fellow traveler,

Kelly